Between Control And Letting Go: Navigating The Tension In Leadership (Part 1/3)

Over the next three posts, I’ll be exploring a tension that every leader - every human actually - faces: the push and pull between control and letting go. How do we notice it? How do we navigate it? How do we decide what to hold and what to release? Part 1 focuses on the first step: awareness.

Part 1: The Hidden Grip Of Control

We like to think we’re in charge. We want things to go right, to be predictable, to feel safe. We want to protect outcomes, relationships, even our sense of self. This is natural. Most of the time, it doesn’t cause harm.

But for some people, the attachment to control becomes an addiction that can show up everywhere: in how they structure their days, in their work, in their relationships. Sometimes it’s small - a tightening in the body when plans change, a quickened breath when someone doesn’t follow their expectations. Sometimes it’s bigger - a constant urge to steer, manage, or anticipate every turn, with disproportionate reactions and negative consequences in their well-being and relationships. In communication, control can indeed quickly create friction: over-explaining, pressing for agreement, or rushing to fix problems before understanding has a chance to emerge.

Control often starts with good intentions. We want to be responsible, prevent mistakes, and care for others. But it is also rooted in fear or the mistaken belief that letting go equals passivity, risk, or failure. Sometimes it even becomes part of one’s identity - defining oneself as the one who has the power to make things happen, or to ensure that things don’t go wrong.

There is nothing wrong with being responsible, committed and impactful. It’s being overly attached to control where it doesn’t make sense that causes pain and eventually leads to suffering. 

The first step in loosening the grip of control is awareness. Notice when and where control shows up - in your body, your thoughts, your interactions. Pause and ask yourself: When do I try to control outcomes? What am I trying to protect? When do I push for agreement instead of understanding? Observing these impulses without judgment creates space for insight and choice.

Leadership, like other aspects of life, asks us to navigate the tension between what we can and can’t control. Simply noticing where the attachment for control enters our thoughts, actions, and conversations is a powerful first step.

Where do you notice control - subtly or not so subtly - showing up in your life or work?