Are You Listening, Or Just Waiting to Talk?

You can look like you're actively listening.

You can make eye contact, nod, ask thoughtful questions, and even reflect back what you heard, and still not really be listening.

Because sometimes, we're listening while preparing our response.

We're listening for the flaw in someone's reasoning.

We're listening in preparation to defend our position.

We're listening for the moment when we can jump in and explain why we're right.

That's not necessarily bad. It's actually completely normal, and all of these reasons for listening have their place.

But there's another kind of listening.

The kind where you listen as if your life depends on truly grasping the perspective of the other person.

The kind where you're genuinely curious about what you might be missing.

Where you listen as if you really, really want them to change your mind.

When you listen that way, you move from listening to respond to listening for the possibility of being transformed.

You may still disagree.

You may still hold your position.

But you've given the other person (and yourself) something rare: the chance to grow you.

What would change in your conversations if you listened not just to understand, but to be changed?

The Attention Span Advantage

The next powerful leadership skill might be something surprisingly old-fashioned: the ability to pay attention. And it's becoming harder to do.

As more people struggle with focus, ADHD is increasingly part of the conversation, but these are not necessarily the same thing.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that can significantly affect attention and executive functioning and it deserves understanding and proper care. But you can have an increasingly fragmented attention span without an ADHD diagnosis.

We live in an environment designed to interrupt us.

Texts.
Emails.
Social media.
Slack.
News.
AI.
One more notification.
One more tab.
One more thing to check.

We're constantly being trained to switch our attention, and then we wonder why sustained concentration feels harder.

The ability to focus is not just a nice-to-have. It is foundational to how we use our intelligence.

It's about:

Thinking clearly.
Listening deeply.
Noticing what others miss.
Staying with a difficult problem long enough to actually solve it.
And being fully present with another human being.

You may not be able to control everything competing for your attention, but you can practice choosing where your attention goes.

Because in a world where everyone's attention is being pulled in a hundred directions, the ability to sustain yours becomes a serious advantage.

This is part of the work I do with my clients: strengthening their ability to direct their attention deliberately, rather than automatically following the pull of the next distraction.

What would change if you treated your attention as something worth training?

Being Easy To Work With: The Leadership Skill That Changed My Career

Early in my career, I wasn't particularly easy to work with.

When I got stuck in a project, I tried to figure everything out on my own instead of drawing on the expertise around me. Looking back, I wasn't just missing out on my colleagues' experience, I was also missing opportunities to build stronger working relationships. And when life outside of work was difficult, I often let that stress spill over into the workplace more than I realized, which led some coworkers to try to avoid me.

I wasn't making collaboration, or even sharing an office, easy for the people around me.

Over time, I realized that good leadership starts long before you’re given a formal leadership role. It starts with being easy to work with as a peer.

And that has very little to do with being calm or quiet, always agreeing, accommodating everyone, or being the person who brings treats to the workplace.

Being easy to work with means:

• Being reliable and following through on your commitments.
• Being attuned to the needs of the people you work with.
• Regulating your emotions so they don't alienate others.
• Being open to feedback without taking it personally.
• Making good use of the knowledge and experience around you.
• Offering support as readily as you're willing to receive it.
• Cultivating an attitude that helps people deal with challenges together.

Developing the skills that were missing transformed my career in ways expertise alone never could.

People started inviting me into collaborations.
They trusted me with greater responsibility.
They sought me out for mentoring.

All of this became possible because working with me became easier - and more enjoyable.

Your expertise earns respect.
How you show up in collaboration earns credibility.

And credibility is what people look for.

What quality makes someone genuinely great to work with?

Inside The Coaching Room: The Science & Art Of Transformation (Case Study #5)

This client came to coaching at a major transition point in her life.

In her fifties, she had built and successfully sold a thriving business. By most external measures, she had accomplished what she had set out to do. She loved the creative work, the challenges, and the success she had achieved.

But it had come at a significant cost.

Her business had consumed so much of her time and energy that it had affected both her marriage and her ability to be fully present as a parent.

Now divorced, recently repartnered, and co-parenting her preteen child, she was preparing for her next professional chapter. As a serial entrepreneur, she was excited to build her next business venture, but she was clear about one thing.

She did not want to pay the same price.

She wanted to create another successful business while also nurturing her new relationship, being more present for her child, and living a life that felt more aligned with who she truly was.

Using the Enneagram, we explored her patterns and uncovered the deeper habits and reactive drives that repeatedly led her to prioritize her creative work over the relationships that mattered most.

Our collaboration became both practical and transformational.

We created clearer boundaries around work, developed systems that protected time for the people and activities that she wanted to give more energy to, and built enough structure to support her without stifling the creativity that was essential to her new business.

At the same time, she developed a much deeper understanding of herself.

She became more aware of the internal forces that could pull her away from the person she wanted to be in her relationships, and she strengthened her ability to notice them as they emerged rather than after they had already taken over.

By the end of coaching, she had developed greater self-awareness and a deeper connection to herself. Because she could recognize her patterns as they unfolded, she was able to regulate her responses in real time rather than being driven by old habits. As a result, she became more fully present, not only as an entrepreneur, but also as a partner, a parent, and a whole person.

Beyond solving today's difficulties, the real goal of coaching is to help you build the awareness, skills, and capacity that continue serving you long after coaching has ended.

Have you ever achieved something you wanted, only to realize you didn't want the cost that came with it? What would you do differently the next time?

The Smarter AI Gets, the More Human Presence Matters

1. AI outperforms humans in many tasks

When I first used AI, I was blown away.

AI can process enormous amounts of information, synthesize knowledge, recognize patterns, draft ideas in seconds, adapt its responses, and work without fatigue. In many domains, it already outperforms humans, and its capabilities will only continue to grow.

I use AI almost every day to edit text, compile and integrate information, and brainstorm ideas, and I imagine most of us will rely on it even more in the years ahead.

2. What remains uniquely human

AI does not have a body, but humans are embodied beings.

Some of the most important things we communicate never become words. Much of what we perceive in another person is never spoken. We notice a change in posture, a hesitation before speaking, a deep breath, a glance away, a moment of silence. When two nervous systems interact, they attune. Human beings regulate (or dysregulate!) one another through being in each other’s presence.

AI recognizes patterns in language. Humans recognize patterns in body language.

Sometimes simply being with another person is more valuable than offering information.

As AI becomes more capable, these deeply human capacities become more - not less - valuable.

3. Humans respond to the whole person, not just language

Recently, I was part of a group of coaches exploring how an AI chatbot would respond to common coaching questions. As expected, it generated many thoughtful suggestions in response to the prompt. When one coach tested a push back, the chatbot quickly adapted and proposed different approaches to adapt to the reaction.

Was it useful? Absolutely.

Yet I realized I never coach my clients that way.

Before offering ideas, I want to understand more about my client and their specific inquiry, even if we have been working together for a while. What inspired them to ask? What feels difficult or stuck? What have they already tried? How do they usually approach these kinds of challenges? What are their strengths in this specific area? Their blind spots?

And if they did not like an idea, I would become even more curious. Is it genuinely the wrong direction and we need to pivot? Or is it pointing toward the very area they most need to explore to get to where they want to be? Blind spots are powerful!

Rather than coming from generating better ideas or giving more of what the person wants, the capacity of helping another human being develop is rooted in understanding human nature well enough to know when to inquire more, when to challenge, when to support, when to stay silent, and when simply being present is exactly what is needed.

The future may belong to AI for information. I think it still belongs to humans for transformation.

Inside The Coaching Room: The Science & Art Of Transformation (Case Study #4)

This client came to coaching because he felt stuck in his career.

In his forties, married and a devoted father to his two children, he was doing well professionally. Experienced in his field, respected by colleagues, and known as someone who collaborates well and supports others.

Yet he kept being passed over for promotions.

He initially wondered whether he needed more credentials or a change in his professional trajectory.

As we explored his experience, something became clear.

He was carrying a persistent undercurrent of anxiety and self-doubt. In meetings, he often held back ideas until everyone else had spoken. He questioned whether his perspective was valuable enough to voice. He waited for certainty before speaking. 

He also put the needs of others before his own, which led to postponing making time for his career development.

Internally, this felt like humility and thoughtfulness.

Externally, it meant his leadership presence was not fully available.

Because we cannot build real confidence by replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, our work focused instead on developing access to a more grounded place in himself that had always been there: a stable, objective, and calm aspect of himself that could look at situations with greater neutrality.

From that place, anxious thoughts became information rather than instructions. Small risks became experiments rather than career-defining moves.

As he engaged in new practices, he began relating to himself differently.

He stood a bit straighter. He expressed opinions earlier. He became clearer about what he wanted next in his career instead of waiting for someone else to recognize his readiness.

Interestingly, the shift was visible before any formal career change happened.

His colleagues noticed.

His wife noticed.

And most importantly, he noticed.

Leadership presence is not about becoming louder. For some, it begins with becoming less identified with the voice that tells them to stay small, and more connected to their inner leader.

What changes become possible when you stop treating every thought or feeling as a fact?

Why Some Smart People Struggle To Connect

Some of the smartest people I work with struggle to attune to their colleagues in professional conversations.

This happens when, in the moment, another priority or agenda takes over: 

Speed.
Being precise.
Avoiding misunderstanding.
Staying with their own line of thought.
Moving the conversation forward.

None of these are wrong. They are part of what makes someone effective.

The challenge is that real effectiveness also requires a degree of connection and attunement, and this quality runs on a different system. It asks something counterintuitive from smart, capable people:

To slow down.
To loosen their grip on their own agenda.
To let space exist for something they did not already think of.

Because in that space, something important happens.

The other person starts contributing more of their actual thinking, not just reacting to ours.
Assumptions get corrected earlier.
Blind spots surface faster.
More powerful ideas emerge, often ones that no single person would have reached alone.

In other words: attunement is not a soft skill. It is an intelligence amplifier.

I’m talking about this today because I had to learn it myself.

Even with a strong natural inclination to connect to others, I often defaulted to speed and to overly focusing on my own line of thinking, especially under pressure.

What shifted things for me was practicing in real time the opposite of my automatic habits: 

Putting the other person first
Slowing down my thinking enough to actually listen for what was emerging, and not just in words but also in body language
Trusting the collective intelligence process more than my immediate clarity or opinion.

It made communication feel less efficient at first, but it became eventually more real, and ultimately more effective.

What priority is hardest for you to let go of in real-time conversations?

Inside The Coaching Room: The Science & Art Of Transformation (Case Study #3)

This client came to coaching because he kept shutting down during difficult conversations.

Mid-thirties. Successful in his career. In a long-term relationship. Thoughtful, intelligent, and deeply committed to the people in his life.

Yet whenever conversations became emotionally charged - whether at work or with his partner - he would withdraw. His thoughts would disappear. Words would become difficult to access. Important issues remained unresolved.

He wanted to understand why this happened and learn how to respond differently.

We started by building awareness.

Through a mindfulness practice, he learned to recognize the shutting-down process as it was happening in real-time rather than after the fact. At work, the company restroom became an unexpected ally: a place to pause and regulate strong emotions, before returning to conversations more grounded and present.

As coaching progressed, the work increasingly focused on communication with his partner. He was trying to determine whether they were truly compatible for marriage, and either avoiding difficult conversations or having them end in a blame game was no longer serving either of them.

So we worked on active listening.

By practicing listening skills through role-plays, he became better able to stay engaged when conversations became difficult. Instead of immediately retreating inward, he learned to stay curious, gather information, and create enough space to respond more intentionally.

Finally, we worked with the Nonviolent Communication framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg.

The goal was to help him express himself more directly and advocate for himself when necessary. He learned to establish boundaries, express needs, and engage difficult conversations with greater confidence and clarity, both at work and at home.

Through all this work, he did not become a different person.

What changed was his relationship to his automatic patterns and his ability to deploy new skills with presence.

Mindfulness helped him become aware of the moment he was beginning to shut down. Active listening and Nonviolent Communication gave him alternative ways to respond.

Together, these skills gave him something he previously lacked: a wider range of responses.

Instead of automatically withdrawing, he could choose between intentional silence, a pause before reengagement, asking a clarifying question, listening more deeply, or expressing himself calmly in his usual thoughtful style. He had more ways to check for understanding, address differences, establish boundaries, and explore compatibility.

Coaching is at its most powerful when it helps people expand their range of responses so they are no longer limited by their automatic patterns. 

What difficult conversation might unfold differently if you had just one more response available to you?

Being Right vs. Being Effective

The assumption that if you're right, you’ll be effective is understandable, especially in roles that require making decisions, solving problems, and offering advice. Unfortunately, it is not always true, and relying on it can be costly.

You can give feedback that is completely accurate and still have it be poorly received.
You can make a technically correct argument and still fail to persuade your audience.
You can identify a problem and leave people feeling criticized rather than motivated to take action.

Communication is not simply about transferring information.
Information lands more effectively when there is a foundation of respect, and respect is built through understanding and attunement.

Before giving advice, feedback, or direction, it can be useful to ask yourself:

Who am I talking to?
What do they care about?
What are they ready to hear?
What's the best way for this message to land?

Being right is about the content.
Being effective is about the outcome.

The most influential leaders care about both.

Have you ever been completely right, and still ineffective?

Inside The Coaching Room: The Science & Art Of Transformation (Case Study #2)

This client was in her forties. She had built a successful career in a demanding profession, was active in her faith community, and was navigating a relatively new romantic relationship. She had no children and had intentionally built a life centered around work, service, and personal independence.

She was resilient, responsible, and resourceful.

Yet her lived experience felt very different. She came to coaching because she felt stuck.

Stuck in her career.
Stuck in her relationships.
Stuck in her personal growth.

She was frustrated by the sense that she wasn't living up to her potential.

As we explored her experience, one pattern appeared again and again.

Like many high-achieving people, she had learned to push through challenges, compartmentalize difficult emotions, and rely primarily on herself.

Those strategies had helped her succeed, but they were not helping her thrive.

Our work focused on something crucial: strengthening both inner and outer support.

Learning to relate to her emotions with more curiosity rather than avoidance.

Establishing a more consistent practice of self-care, including walks in nature and creative expression.

Building and nurturing relationships that could genuinely support her.

Developing the ability to return to center more quickly when life became difficult.

Over the six months we worked together, her experience of life became less about efforting and more about allowing.

Less about carrying everything alone and more about recognizing that support was available, both within herself and around her.

In a check-in a few years after our work together ended, she told me she still reflected on what she learned in coaching and continued to benefit from it years later.

What tends to last is not advice or temporary accountability structures, but access to a deeper developmental level and the ability to operate from it.

And sometimes transformation happens through reconnecting - to ourselves, to others, and to sources of support we've overlooked.

What helps you feel supported when life gets difficult?

The Difference Between Self-Awareness And Self-Consciousness

It’s quite common to confuse self-awareness with self-consciousness. They are not the same thing.

Self-consciousness asks:

• How am I coming across?

• Am I sounding smart?

• Did I say the wrong thing?

• Do they like me?

Attention turns inward and becomes preoccupied with managing perception.

Self-awareness asks:

• What’s happening inside of me?

• What assumptions am I making?

• What matters here?

• What choice do I want to make?

Attention includes the self, but is not trapped by the self.

Self-consciousness narrows attention.
It turns meetings, presentations, networking events, and difficult conversations into performance evaluations.

Self-awareness expands choice.
It helps us notice our reactions without becoming consumed by them.

One creates anxiety. The other creates freedom.

The goal is to become aware of yourself without becoming preoccupied with yourself.

The difference changes how we lead, communicate, and connect.

Inside The Coaching Room: The Science & Art Of Transformation (Case Study #1)

This client came to coaching because she did not like how she behaved when triggered by anger.

Mid-thirties. Happily married. Two young children. Full-time job. Full family load.

She loved her family deeply, but when overwhelmed, anger came out fast: yelling, slamming doors, reactivity she regretted afterward.

Like many people, she initially thought that the goal was to “stop being angry.”

But suppression is never going to work because anger is not the problem.
The problem is the speed of the reaction cycle.

By the time she consciously realized she was overwhelmed, her nervous system was already in full activation and the reaction was underway.

Together, we mapped her unique activation cycle - from trigger to behavior - and practiced building a pause where it matters. Because triggers and emotions cannot be eliminated, we focused instead on recognizing activation earlier, when choice is still available.

She learned to deploy mindfulness “on the go” rather than only in ideal moments.
She practiced noticing her specific early body signals that came before escalation.
We also worked on self-compassion to reduce the constant internal pressure she was operating under and reconnect her to what she was already doing so well in difficult circumstances.

Within a few weeks of consistent practice, the changes were noticeable, to herself and to her loved ones.

She didn’t suddenly become calm or learn to repress her anger. She began noticing herself earlier and practicing new responses repeatedly enough that they became more available under real-life conditions. She also took better care of addressing the unmet needs that anger was pointing to.

There was more space between feeling and reacting.
More ability to stay present while angry without immediately discharging it onto others.
More capacity to recognize overload before the nervous system tipped into automaticity.
More willingness to ask for help and get the support she often needs.

This client is building skills that will continue to develop over time, and that she is already starting to teach her children.

It was not a quick fix, but it also did not take forever. For her, it took only a couple of months.

Understanding creates clarity
Insight gives motivation
Compassion builds capacity

But lasting change comes from practicing new mechanisms repeatedly enough that the system begins operating differently under real-life conditions.

This is what I love most about my work: combining the science of behavior change with the art of adapting the process to each client so they can build more effective ways of responding.

What is one reaction pattern you would like to interrupt more skillfully?

Do You Check For Capacity When You Give Feedback?

Some leaders give feedback the moment they notice a problem or when the performance review is on the calendar.

But effective feedback is not only about whether something is true or scheduled.
It is also about whether the other person can actually hear it.

Timing matters.
Relationship matters.
Nervous system state matters.

A technically correct observation delivered without attunement can still create defensiveness, shame, or disconnection, creating unnecessary barriers to feedback implementation.

Especially in high-performance environments, people often over-focus on efficiency and under-focus on relational impact.

Strong communicators learn to ask:

• Is this the right moment?

• Am I trying to help them grow, or am I trying to release my own emotions?

• What would make this easier to receive?

• How much feedback can this person realistically process right now?

Good feedback is not watered down, but it is delivered with enough awareness that it can actually lead to growth.

What helps you stay aware of another person’s capacity when giving difficult feedback?

Self-Regulation Is A Communication Skill

Some people bring urgency into every conversation. It shows up in their speed, tone, and body language. Their activated nervous system does the talking.

Others bring steadiness, grounding, and calm.

Guess who people trust more?

Calm does not mean passive. It does not mean boreing. It does not mean lacking standards.

It means being regulated enough to think clearly, listen well, and respond intentionally.

In leadership, calm is contagious.
So is chaos.

Your nervous system enters the room before your words do, online just as much as in person.

What do people experience when you show up?

Could Imposter Syndrome Be The Discomfort Of Growth?

Imposter syndrome can come from:

• Being a beginner again.

• Leaving a role where you felt competent.

• Higher visibility and fear of mistakes.

• Comparing yourself to seasoned leaders.

• Believing confidence should come first.

Leadership often requires doing new things before feeling ready, such as operating at a higher level, making decisions with incomplete information, and becoming more visible to those above you in the hierarchy.

Sometimes what feels like inadequacy is actually expansion.

Growth rarely feels graceful. It often feels awkward, uncertain and exposed.

Many capable people interpret those impressions as proof they do not belong, when often they are evidence that growth is happening.

The remedy is not waiting for certainty. Consider the following:

• Name that you're a beginner when it makes sense.

• Measure progress, not perfection.

• Practice before confidence arrives.

If you are experiencing imposter syndrome, you may simply be in the awkward stage of expansion.

Where might growth be misunderstood as fraud?

Strong Communicators Repair Quickly

Strong communicators are not flawless communicators. They say things awkwardly, misunderstand others, miss cues, interrupt, and sometimes even become defensive.

What sets them apart is their ability to notice what happened, pause, and repair quickly.

They might:
* Clarify what they meant
* Ask what was missed
* Reset the tone
* Apologize when needed
* Return to the conversation with maturity

Great leaders are not perfect communicators, but they excel at repair.

In leadership, teams, and other relationships, this matters more than getting everything right the first time.

Communication mastery is not the absence of mistakes. It is the ability to recover well.

What would help you repair quickly when a conversation goes off track?

Silence Feels Risky. It Isn’t.

In conversations, silence can feel uncomfortable.

• It can look like we don’t know what to say.

• It can feel like we’re being unhelpful.

• It can feel like the other person is judging us.

• It can feel like a missed opportunity to prove our value.

• It can feel like we’re losing control of the conversation.

So we rush to fill it.
We add more words than needed, explain again, and sometimes interrupt before silence even has a chance to happen (I’m good at that one).

Not because it’s needed, but because the pause feels like something is wrong.

It isn’t.

Silence is often where understanding and connection happen.
It gives us - and the other person - space to think, respond, and engage.

Filling it too quickly can do the opposite.
It can overwhelm, or signal that we’re not really listening.

The skill isn’t speaking more clearly.
It’s being able to pause, and stay there.

When You Bluff Instead Of Saying “I Don’t Know”

In high-stakes conversations, there is often a moment where you don’t know the answer.

For some people - maybe you - a protective instinct kicks in: they start filling the space, stretching what they know, trying to say something to sound capable.

It’s not a deliberate choice. It’s survival under pressure.

And it usually backfires.

Bluffing erodes credibility. It makes you sound less capable than you actually are.

The challenge is that this happens fast. By the time you notice it, you’re already talking.

This is where practicing the pause matters.

That brief moment of grounding interrupts the autopilot and gives you a real choice in how you respond.

And “I don’t know” doesn’t have to mean ending the conversation. It can sound like:

• “Let me take a moment to think this through.”

• “I don’t have the answer yet, but I’ll find out.”

• “I’m not sure, what’s your perspective on this?”

Often, that’s the more credible move. In high-stakes conversations, people don’t expect you to know everything. But they pay attention to how you handle the moment when you don’t.

When the pressure is on, do you protect your credibility, or jeopardize it?

It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You’re Experienced

People don’t respond to your words.
They respond to how they experience you.

You can say the right thing. Use the right tone. Choose your words carefully.

And still, it doesn’t land.

Because what people react to isn’t just what you say.

It’s whether they feel:
* Met vs rushed
* Understood vs dismissed

All of that happens underneath the words.

You can’t rely on language alone.

If you want your communication to work, pay attention to the experience you’re creating as you speak.

Communication is not just about intention with your words.
It’s about the impact on their emotions.

What do people experience when they’re in conversation with you?

Between Control And Letting Go: Navigating The Tension In Leadership (Part 3/3)

Part 3:  Leadership At The Edge

Part 1 was about noticing control, and Part 2 was about discerning what’s yours and what’s not. Part 3 is where it gets concrete:

Can you stay in the tension… without resolving it too quickly?

Most leaders don’t actually hold the tension. When it gets uncomfortable, they resolve it quickly, often unconsciously. They either tighten control to reduce uncertainty, or they let go too much and disengage.

Mature leadership doesn’t live on either side. It lives in between.

What staying in the tension actually looks like

It looks like speaking clearly without needing the other person to immediately agree. Setting a direction without over-explaining or over-justifying it. Listening fully without rushing to manage the outcome. Naming what matters while allowing space for a different perspective to be expressed.

These moments require something deeper than technique.

The inner shift

To stay with that tension, something subtle but fundamental has to change: you stop using control to regulate yourself and others.

You no longer rely on agreement to feel effective, on speed to feel competent, or on being understood to feel secure.

Instead, you anchor yourself in something quieter: your presence, your clarity, your capacity to stay in the discomfort.

Even when the atmosphere is heavy. Even when the response is slower than you’d like. Even when the outcome is uncertain.

This is leadership at the edge

The edge is not controlling everything, nor is it stepping back and letting everything unfold passively.

Leading at the edge is acting with intention while releasing your grip on how it lands.

Not just once, but moment after moment, in live conversations.

A simple way to practice

In your next important conversation, notice where you feel the urge to close the gap - to convince, fix, speed up, or… abandon ship.

And experiment with this: stay one breath longer.

Long enough to notice your own reactivity. Long enough to let the other person finish their thought. Long enough to choose your response instead of defaulting to control. 

That breath seems small, but it’s where a profound shift can happen.

Ultimately, leadership is not about controlling outcomes. And it’s not about stepping back either.

It’s about developing the capacity to show up fully, act clearly, and stay engaged - without grasping what was never yours to control.

Where in your leadership are you still trying to resolve the tension, instead of learning to stay in it?

#Leadership #STEM #Communication #Enneagram #Coaching