What Productive Conflict Actually Looks Like

Most leaders say that they want their team members to share their opinion. They might even promote an “open debate”.

Unfortunately few actually make it safe or worthwhile to disagree.

“Share your opinion” sounds good in theory. In practice, disagreement is often subtly or not so subtly discouraged, especially when it’s uncomfortable.

Productive conflict isn’t loud.
It doesn’t rely on volume, intensity, or strong opinions clashing.
It’s quieter, and noticeably slower.

Unproductive conflict is fast.
Positions solidify quickly.
People defend, convince, or disengage.
It’s either loud, or completely numb.

In productive conflict, people pause to clarify what they actually think, feel, and sense - and why.
They take their time before speaking.
They ask where they disagree, not who is wrong.
They stay with the tension instead of rushing to resolution.

Doing conflict well requires more than psychological safety.
It requires conflict discipline.

Productive disagreement depends on:
* Curiosity instead of control
* Precision instead of persuasion
* Tolerating not knowing instead of pushing tor closure

That’s difficult for high performers, especially in technical environments where speed, certainty, and expertise are rewarded.

What often gets labeled as “alignment” is actually:
* Premature agreement
* Unspoken reservations
* Deferred disagreement that resurfaces later

Leaders who truly value disagreement do something quite radical:
They slow the conversation down.
They get curious when a disagreement is expressed.
They don’t rescue the team from discomfort.

Real alignment isn’t created by quick and performative agreement.
It’s formed by working through differences, carefully, rigorously, and in the open.

That’s how leaders can truly tap into the collective intelligence of their  team.

The Strange Insanity Of Being Addicted To Our Patterns

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

This quote is often attributed to Einstein, but it actually comes from a novel by Rita Mae Brown.

Repetition isn’t the problem. It’s actually how we learn.

We practice our craft, repeat skills, and rehearse behaviors so they’re available when it matters most. That kind of repetition builds capacity and talent.

Today, I want to discuss a different kind of repetition. The kind that keeps us stuck.

It’s the repetition of personality patterns: the automatic ways we interpret situations, manage emotions, protect ourselves, and relate to others. These patterns were formed a long time ago and reinforced repeatedly, each time they helped us feel safer or better under stress.

What makes them so compelling is that they work very well in the short term, even though they often create problems in the long term.

We find comfort in predictability. Our nervous systems often prefer a known frustration to an unknown possibility. So we repeat behaviors because something in us has become attached to the short-term benefits of the pattern.

I knew this cycle well. For years, I brought the same ineffective ways of relating into very different relationships - professional and personal - while hoping for deeper connection and more fulfillment. What I got was a familiar set of dynamics, over and over again. The problem wasn’t goodwill or effort, it was that I was operating on autopilot and didn’t even know it.

With self-compassion, I can say that it was quite insane.

Real change began when I could finally see the pattern itself and the deeper logic driving it.

For me, the key that unlocked the whole structure was the Enneagram.

The Enneagram exposes underlying motivations, mental, emotional, and behavioral strategies, and early adaptations that define how we perceive reality and respond to it. It offers a precise map of where we’re stuck and what reinforces the loop. It shines a laser-sharp light on the very patterns we’re most likely to be blind to. It also shows our innate strengths - capacities that we can engage intentionally in service of our inner work.

That depth matters because when we try to change behavior without understanding the engine beneath it, we often recreate the same pattern in a slightly different form and wonder why we get the same unfortunate results.

The investment of learning to recognize and disengage from my own patterns paid off. It returned choice - in how I listen, how I respond, and whether I stay merged with an old strategy or step into something new.

That’s what finally stopped the insanity for me.

Where in your professional or personal life might you be repeating a pattern not because it’s effective, but because it’s automatic? And what might become possible if you had more freedom there?

When Attunement Slips Into Entanglement

I’ve written many times about the importance of developing attunement as a leadership skill. Attunement is the capacity to notice what’s happening beneath the surface: shifts in tone, hesitation, unspoken tension, emotional undercurrents - and being willing and able to act on these observations wisely to strengthen relationships. It’s a critical aspect of communication, and one that’s often underdeveloped in technical and performance-driven environments.

At the same time, leaders in more human-centered fields often struggle with the other side of the coin: not a lack of sensitivity, but too much entanglement.

It’s essential to find a healthy equilibrium between sensitivity and responsibility, and that equilibrium depends on our capacity for self-regulation.

Sensitivity allows us to perceive.
Responsibility allows us to act.
Regulation allows us to choose wisely how and when to act.

Without regulation, sensitivity can quickly turn into over-responsibility.

This is where the distinction between attunement and entanglement becomes essential.

Attunement looks like:
* Sensing tone, energy, hesitation, and relational dynamics
* Holding what you perceive lightly, without rushing to interpret
* Remaining curious, spacious, and internally steady

Entanglement looks like:
* Absorbing others’ emotions and internal states
* Getting attached to what you perceive and making projections
* Moving into action to relieve discomfort, theirs or your own

Entanglement happens when sensing becomes absorbing. When noticing someone’s discomfort turns into managing it. When we soften necessary clarity, over-empathize, or intervene prematurely to reduce emotional friction - often without realizing it.

The issue isn’t caring too much.
It’s confusing awareness with obligation.
It’s going from receptivity to control.

As I developed my own attunement skills, I noticed the occasional slip into “too much”: listening too actively, reflecting too much of what was being said, empathizing too quickly. What helped wasn’t dialing down sensitivity - it was strengthening boundaries, including when it comes to timing.

Boundaries allow us to ask:
* What am I perceiving?
* What am I responsible for?
* What is mine to act on, and what isn’t?

Without boundaries, sensitivity blurs roles, drains energy, and paradoxically reduces effectiveness. With boundaries, the same sensitivity becomes a source of discernment, and makes leadership more credible and trustworthy.

Sensitive, attuned leadership isn’t about carrying everyone else’s emotional load.
It’s about staying regulated and enough to respond wisely.

Attunement informs leadership.
Boundaries make it sustainable.
Mature communication starts with knowing what’s yours to carry, and what isn’t.

Are You Hearing What Isn’t Being Said?

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said.” (Peter Drucker)

We communicate in more than words.
Body language, tone, timing - and what’s omitted - often reveal more than the words that are spoken.

This ability to hear what isn’t said is an essential communication skill and a core aspect of the Social Instinct: the capacity to read between the lines, sense the relational field, and notice what’s missing in what’s being shared.

In STEM environments especially, facts are often clear - while feelings, assumptions, and misalignments tend to stay hidden.

The main reason I talk so much about communication - and why I work with leaders on this topic - is because this is where I struggled early in my own career.

Being low in the Social Instinct meant that I often missed subtle cues: hesitation, tension, or unspoken concerns. I heard the words, but not the full message, and I definitely didn’t pay enough attention to the impact I was having on others.

There is good news!
Listening at this level isn’t just a trait of people strong in the Social Instinct. It’s a skill that can be trained.

And for those of us who aren’t naturals, learning to listen for what isn’t said is truly life-changing work.

Leaders who learn to detect these signals early prevent misunderstanding, conflict, and wasted effort, not by talking more or better, but by attuning better.

Want to strengthen your leadership?
In your next meeting or conversation, start noticing what isn’t being said, and perhaps consider inquiring about it.

The Spectrum Of Truthfulness: Why Choosing The Right Level Matters

I’ve been in a few professional situations where a leader or colleague “came clean” after a communication failure - and called it transparency.

For me, that wasn’t transparency. Decisions had been made without including the people affected, information was shared only after the consequences were obvious, yet the word “transparency” was used to describe admitting what had already happened.

This got me thinking about the levels of truthfulness, and how we label our own intentions.

Here is a spectrum I find helpful:

* Coming Clean: Truth shared after concealment or omission. Reactive and corrective - often necessary - but still costly to trust.
* Honesty: Answering truthfully when asked. Ethically sound but reactive, and limited to the questions posed. It puts the onus on others to know what to ask.
* Disclosure: Proactively sharing relevant information to prevent misunderstanding or conflict of interest. Context-specific and intention-driven, acknowledging others’ stake in the situation.
* Transparency: Proactively sharing information others need to orient, prepare, and choose - even at the cost of personal comfort or control. It’s relational and attuned, sharing the power of knowledge and balancing timing, courage, and awareness. It’s a high standard.

I’ve seen well-intentioned leaders struggle with choosing the adequate level of truthfulness. Fear of vulnerability, attachment to power, self-doubt, or a desire to protect someone or something can make honesty, disclosure, or transparency challenging. It’s a difficult skill to master because personality patterns get in the way.

Why choosing the right level matters:

* Avoiding future problems: Failing to disclose or be transparent when necessary can erode trust and require repair conversations.
* Preventing credibility gaps: Mislabeling truthfulness creates confusion.
* Protecting boundaries: On the other hand, oversharing can feel intrusive. Sometimes less is more, but that choice needs to come from wisdom, not avoidance.

Disclosure or transparency aren’t always required. Sometimes even answering truthfully isn’t appropriate if it crosses boundaries. In those cases, there’s a better alternative than lying or withholding information:

“I’m not comfortable answering that question, so I’m going to decline giving this information.”

It’s clear, boundaried, and respectful - with no deception and no need to “come clean” later.

Next time you’re in a conversation, ask yourself:

* Which level of truthfulness am I choosing, and why?
* What is at stake for the people involved?
* Am I protecting myself or supporting others’ agency?
* Would a boundary be more truthful than the alternatives?

Truthfulness must be a conscious choice, so that credibility and trust are built in every conversation.

Living A Life Of Practices: Three Non-Negotiables For Presence And Resilience

Progress is repetition, not resolution.

As the year winds down, I’ve been reflecting on the leaders and teams I worked with in 2025, and one conclusion keeps coming up:

Progress doesn’t come from inspiration or motivation.
Real development comes from practice - intentional, repeated, often boring practice.

It’s about living a life of practices: cultivating a way of being that is grounded, steady, and embodied.

Over time, I’ve come to treat three families of practices as non-negotiable for myself, and I recommend them to anyone who wants to lead with presence, stay humane under pressure, and communicate in an attuned way.

1. Mindfulness - Training the pause

This is the practice that allows the return to awareness under any kind of distraction or stress.

It’s about training yourself to notice what’s happening inside you before you respond instead of reacting automatically.

Sometimes that looks like:

* Five minutes of stillness
* Sensing the body
* Noticing thoughts without engaging them

Mindfulness isn’t about “feeling calm.”
It’s training to create a choice where there used to only be an autopilot.

2. Emotional self-regulation - Stabilizing the nervous system

Self-regulation means learning to stay present in the middle of the activation, especially in difficult conversations.

This may look like:

* Slowing the breath when your system speeds up
* Naming your internal state before responding
* Choosing openness instead of defensiveness

Self-regulation isn’t controlling emotions.
It’s expanding your capacity to stay present when things get uncomfortable.

3. Grounding - Bringing the body back online

We can’t think our way into integration.
The body is where alignment - or misalignment - happens.

Grounding might mean:

* Stretching, mobility exercises, walking
* Reconnecting with the breath during the workday
* Remembering your body when the mind takes over

Grounding isn’t a permanent state.
It’s a practice of reanchoring into the here and now by listening to the body.

As I prepare myself for 2026, I’m not making new resolutions.
I’m continuing to commit - and recommit - to my three daily non-negotiables.

How about you? Are you stepping into 2026 with practices of your own?
I’d love to hear what you’re committing to.

Leadership Is A Way Of Being, Not A Role: Lessons From Raising A Dog

Over ten years ago, we adopted a puppy. Raising him unexpectedly sharpened my understanding of servant leadership.

First off, the burden of responsibility is mine. I’m the leader and my role is to serve his well-being. His safety, health, learning, and emotional regulation depend on my discernment, consistency, and care. Authority without responsibility would be meaningless.

Secondly, unlike humans, my dog doesn’t use words. Leading him well requires attunement: observing behavior, noticing small shifts, and interpreting needs rather than projecting my own assumptions. When I miss his signal, the result is usually confusion or dysregulation, his and mine.

Finally, while discipline matters, the relationship is grounded in trust and care. Structure exists to support thriving, not control for its own sake. When my dog’s needs are met, his learning accelerates. When they’re not, his resistance increases.

This isn’t about comparing people to pets; it’s about the inner posture that servant leadership requires when leaders take responsibility for others’ well-being and growth.

The best leaders don’t lead through dominance or performance alone. They serve the conditions that allow others to do their best work: clarity, psychological safety, boundaries, feedback, and development.

Servant leadership isn’t soft. It’s demanding. It requires presence, self-regulation, and accountability for impact, not just intent.

My dog reminds me of that every day.

Effective Communication Isn’t About Content. It’s About Development

Most communication breakdowns aren’t skill issues.
They’re developmental issues.

Two people can express the same content and create completely different outcomes.
One creates safety and movement.
The other creates defensiveness or shutdown.

The difference isn’t in the content.
It’s in what each person can hold internally while speaking and listening.

You can’t control how the other person handle their part.
But how you show up will strongly influence whether things regulate or escalate.

Your level of development determines:

* What you can notice in real time, in yourself and others
* How much emotional charge you can tolerate without discharging it
* Whether you react automatically or can pause and make a choice
* How much nervous system activation you can regulate in real time
* Your discernment about when to speak, what to share, and what not to make about you

A real example from yesterday, one that would have been impossible for me twenty years ago:

My husband and I were on a walk, and he decided to share about a sensitive topic that comes up once in a while.
It’s vulnerable for him, and quite activating for me too.

As I felt the nervous system activation rising along my spine, I slowed my pace, deepened my breath, and focused on listening.
I was actively regulating and resisting rehearsing my response.

When he asked for my opinion, I didn’t jump in.
I said that I was sensing a lot inside myself (I knew I was at risk of "vomiting" a lot of opinions and emotions) and I needed to understand the limits of what he was hoping to hear.
I shared within those parameters.

Only later - once he was fully finished - did I share my own activation, and only after checking whether he had capacity for it.

Not because my experience didn’t matter.
But because in that moment, sharing too quickly or too extensively would have intensified things and added too much to his own vulnerability.

That wasn’t “being nice.”
It was discernment.
That’s the result of development in action.

The same capacity applies in professional settings, just with less intimacy and a greater emphasis on efficiency.

Communication isn’t just about expressing yourself or passively listening.

It’s about knowing:
* When expression serves connection
* When restraint serves safety
* And when timing matters more than saying everything right now
This is nervous system regulation.

And it’s also self-awareness, emotional maturity, and relational intelligence.

If communication keeps going sideways, don’t just ask: “How can I say this better?”
Inquire instead: “What capacity is being asked of me here, and do I actually have it yet?”

Because content doesn’t lead.
Development does.

A Non-Woo Look At The Enneagram For Skeptical Leaders

Being skeptical about the Enneagram is perfectly valid. It has a reputation for being “woo,” and unlike the Big Five, it isn’t scientifically validated.
Skepticism comes from a healthy part of us, the part that doesn’t swallow information without checking sources or making sense of things.

And it’s also true that the Enneagram has been misused at times (usually through stereotyping or forcefully typing others), so it’s understandable to keep some distance when that has happened.

The Enneagram has two aspects: a psychological one and a spiritual one. They’re interconnected, and both offer something powerful depending on your background and interests.
And it’s completely fine to focus on the psychological side only - the strengths and challenges, the patterns and habits, and the communication tendencies - and let go of the spiritual side if it’s not your thing.

That’s the lane I work in with most of my STEM clients (with some exceptions), and it’s where leaders get the most practical value in the workplace.

From that perspective, the Enneagram becomes an awareness-building and pattern-recognition tool, a way to understand the automatic habits that influence how we handle stress, make decisions, and interact with others. It also helps us catch the moment when we lose presence or shift into autopilot mode.

That’s why many STEM professionals end up appreciating it after their initial resistance. In my trainings and coaching, I hear it all the time: “Wow, this is actually incredible. This should be taught in high school and college.”

The Enneagram gives language to patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that  they’ve noticed for years but couldn’t fully explain or more importantly, interrupt.

Here are a couple of quick communication examples -  and yes, I’m simplifying types more than I usually like:

• Type 1: Organized, precise, and principled, but may over-correct others, edit internally while listening, or tighten their tone when something feels “off” or imperfect.

• Type 7: Energetic, optimistic, and creative, but may unintentionally talk over people, jump topics quickly, or avoid hard conversations that feel uncomfortable.

Neither is good or bad. They’re simply patterns.
And once you can see a pattern, we can learn to interrupt the autopilot and choose a different way to show up.

That’s the real value of the Enneagram in communication:
Self-awareness leads to more choice, which leads to better interactions and therefore stronger teams.

Think of one interaction with another person that happened this week.
What pattern of yours showed up? And what was it pursuing or protecting?

The 3 Communication Blind Spots I See Most In STEM Leaders

(And not just in STEM!)

Most STEM leaders I’ve worked with are smart, capable, and deeply committed to doing excellent work.
Unfortunately communication is often where things go downhill, not because they lack skill, but because no one ever taught them what really matters.

Here are the three blind spots I see most often:

1. Overvaluing precision over perception:
Leaders often focus on getting the words right while overlooking how their message is landing. Precision matters, but it can’t override attunement.

2. Treating communication as information, not meaning-making:
Leaders tend to assume that communication is complete once the words have been spoken and heads have nodded. Information delivered doesn't equal information understood because shared understanding requires slowing down for alignment, checking assumptions, and confirming understanding and agreements.

3. Overestimating their own regulation under stress:
Leaders might believe that they’re being either calm or “just direct” but their facial expression, tone, or pace tells a different story. Under pressure, the nervous system takes over: defending, over-explaining, shutting down, speeding up, etc.

What’s the cost of these blind spots?

When leaders can’t see these patterns, the consequences negatively affect teams and organizations:
* Leaders who feel misunderstood and exhausted
* Emotional reactivity that derail conversations
* Decisions that feel rushed because people don’t feel heard
* Missed promotions and stalled careers
* Teams that feel misaligned or confused

None of these is a character problem.
It’s an awareness problem,  and awareness is absolutely trainable.

What to do about it

If you’re a STEM leader (or managing them), here’s where to start:
* Slow your internal tempo by 5-10%.
* Pay attention to tone, expression, and pace - they carry more meaning than the words.
* Check assumptions explicitly.
* Shift from transmitting information to creating shared meaning.
* Notice when your nervous system takes over presence.

These small adjustments will transform your communication and enhance your impact as a leader.

Which of these blind spots do you recognize in yourself or your team?

Why I Coach The Way I Do (And What It’s Like To Work Together)

One of the questions people usually ask at our intro call is what my coaching process looks like.
Is it structured? Free-flowing? Do we follow a framework? Do we just “see where things go”?

My answer: it’s both highly organized and completely client-led.

The reason I coach this way is personal.
I started my professional life as a scientist - asking precise questions, organizing logical processes, and tracking cause and effect.
I also volunteered for a decade as a peer counselor - attuning, listening, and creating conditions where people can see themselves with more clarity and self-compassion.

Both sides deeply reflect my personality. And this is also how I prefer to be coached myself: not pushed through a formula, not floating without direction.
Held by structure, guided by my own unfolding.

That’s the approach I bring to my clients.

How does it look in practice?

We meet for an intro call. You’re self-aware and know that something in your leadership or communication isn’t quite working. We explore what’s happening, what you’ve tried, and what coaching could make possible. We clarify what success will feel like. You decide to begin.

Session 1 is a deep intake. I learn how you think, make decisions, build relationships, react under pressure, and interpret the world. I’m listening for your strengths, values, patterns, and what parts of yourself you might not have fully revealed. You're leading the conversation, I’m mapping the territory with you.

After that, I create a draft coaching program - clear purpose, meaningful outcomes, and a developmental arc that fits who you are and where you want to go.
We refine it together. You name what resonates. We adjust the language. Then the deep work begins.

Each session builds on the last.
We stay anchored to the purpose and outcomes you’ve chosen.
We add self-reflections and small, repeatable exercises that build capability over time.
We explore real-life moments and prioritize what matters most.

Throughout the process, you are leading.
Your insights give direction.
Your lived experience guides pacing.
My role is to bring structure, clarity, precision, and attunement so your development stays grounded and on track for real outcomes.

It’s that balance that makes the work powerful.

There is a science to coaching well: nervous system awareness, pattern recognition, developmental sequencing, practices that build capacity.
And an art: presence, pacing, intuition and attuning to the human being in the moment.

I coach where those two meet - science and art.

Clients feel supported without feeling directed.
Challenged without feeling overwhelmed.
They make real changes - by connecting to something new inside themselves.

If you’re curious about coaching that is both structured and deeply human, this is the work I offer you. Contact me to schedule an introduction call.

When You Avoid Difficult Conversations, You Pay The Price Later

“Difficult conversation” covers a wide spectrum of moments where something important needs attention, and sometimes repair:

• A disagreement that lingers,

• A reactive moment we pretend didn’t happen,

• Being on the receiving end of a blow-up,

• A slow-building tension that resurfaces,

• Or a conflict so big it feels like a betrayal.

Different scenarios, same truth: Something in the relationship has been damaged - slightly or significantly - and repair is required.

Avoidance is comfortable, often for understandable reasons. We tell ourselves:

• “It’s just work.”

• “They’ll get over it.”

• “That person doesn’t matter.”

• “It’s not worth it.”

• “I’ll just let it go.”

These thoughts create the illusion that avoidance is easier.

I get it. Like most people, I don’t like conflict.

But in my late twenties, I had a big aha moment: I realized I’d created unnecessary problems with several people through poor communication. I didn’t know better, so I didn’t take accountability. I can extend grace to my younger self for that.

Years later, when I understood the impact, I repaired what was possible.

• I apologized to the coworker I’d alienated with my venting.

• I apologized to the family member I’d shut out.

• I contacted a couple of others I could have met with more calm.

Those conversations were uncomfortable and vulnerable. But they taught me that avoidance multiplies harm, and accountability restores alignment. Some people forgave me - others probably still don’t like me, and that’s ok. What matters is that accountability happened.

Now, incidents like that are far less frequent and intense. When they do happen, I address them quickly. That practice has made my communication cleaner, my relationships healthier, and my leadership stronger.

Addressing a difficult moment takes courage and presence. It’s not easy to confront your own reactivity or engage someone who might be defensive or hurt. It’s not easy to be wrong, and say it. But that’s exactly what credible leadership requires.

Avoidance, on the other hand, creates a debt, and the interest compounds.

You pay the price later when:

• A small conflict escalates,

• You think, “I should have said something,”

• Embarrassment sets in,

• Your credibility erodes,

• Or team dynamics are affected by the issue.

Avoidance doesn’t erase the problem, it amplifies it. What could have been a brief conversation becomes a charged one. What could have been a small repair becomes a wide rift.

You don’t need the perfect script. Just one grounded opening: “Something happened between us that I’d like to revisit.”

The sooner you start, the lower the price you pay, and the more you strengthen your credibility, relationships, and integrity.

If there’s a difficult conversation sitting on your desk (or in your heart), ask yourself:

What will it cost me if I keep waiting?

And what might become possible if I address it today?

You Thought You Were A Great Communicator Until…

• Your intent to maintain high standards and push everyone to do their best was perceived as rigid and critical - people heard judgment instead of encouragement.

• Your genuine desire to support and make yourself useful came across as intrusive or manipulative - others felt incompetent instead of empowered.

• Your focus on speed and achievement created an atmosphere of urgency - others experienced pressure and fatigue, as if productivity mattered more than their well-being.

• Your effort to express authenticity and emotional depth felt self-absorbed - others experienced it as overwhelming instead of connecting.

• Your calm, logical explanations created distance - people felt you valued your ideas and knowledge more than their humanity.

• Your careful questioning to ensure safety and preparedness was misread as skepticism - others sensed you were doubting them instead of guiding them.

• Your many ideas and optimistic reframing created excitement but also confusion - others felt you were jumping ahead and skipping over what mattered to them.

• Your directness and bold approach landed as intimidating - others felt challenged instead of invited into honest dialogue.

• Your efforts to keep harmony and avoid tension silenced important truths - people mistook your chill style for disengagement or lack of conviction.

Recognize yourself in some of these statements? Each of these fit an Enneagram Type, but we can certainly use several of these habits. The Enneagram helped me see the specific way that I unintentionally disrupted communication even though I had very good intentions.

Communication isn’t just about clarity, it’s about respect and connection, even in the workplace.

Real progress in communication begins when we can notice our patterns and their impact on others, pause, and choose presence and connection over reactivity and habit.

Would you like to discover your Enneagram Type? Contact me and let's explore this together!

Communication As Value Creation

Every conversation in the workplace is either an act of value creation or an act of value destruction, also known as waste.

As Mickey Connolly and Richard Rianoshek write in “The Communication Catalyst”, communication is the operating system for how value moves through an organization. This isn’t a soft skill!

When we invest in our communication - listening with presence and curiosity, speaking with attunement and clarity - we create trust, alignment, and value.
But when assumptions, fear, or overwhelm drive our behavior, we inadvertently create misunderstandings, defensiveness, and disengagement; all of which are wasteful.

Much of that will lead to either value or waste begins with perception.
Our brain is a prediction machine. The moment we sense a threat - a raised eyebrow, a sharp tone, a critical question - our nervous system shifts into fight, flight, or freeze.

We stop listening for understanding and start listening for protection.
In that state, we hear through filters:
* We defend instead of inquire.
* We confirm what we already believe.
* We miss what the other person actually needs or values.

This is where communication breaks down - not because people lack skill, but because they’ve lost presence.

When we bring awareness back online - pausing, grounding, and listening beyond words - and remove our perception filters, communication becomes a method of value creation again.

We can align on purpose, address real concerns, and design actions that matter and work for everyone’s shared goals.

So the useful question to ask for any leader isn’t “Did I get my message across?”
It’s “Did this conversation add value?”

As I reflect on this, I see how difficult that shift continues to be for me - not because it’s a complex concept to understand, but because of how easily my personality and habits take over.

That’s why daily centering practices matter so much: they deepen our self-awareness and our ability to pause and choose responses instead of reacting automatically.

Imagine if every team meeting or 1-1 check-in started with that shared intention - to create value, not waste.

Warmth That Works For Everyone

Many organizations aspire to build a warm culture, one where people feel comfortable, seen, and valued.

But warmth can take many forms. For some, it shows up as lively conversations, celebrating birthdays, team activities, or shared outings. These expressions of connection feel natural and energizing to them.

For others, warmth is best received in quiet forms: the unspoken care behind generous PTO, comfortable workspaces, flexibility to work from home when it makes sense, or a manager who respects focus time.

All of this contributes to warmth. It’s not about how visible the care is, it’s about whether people can feel it.

Personally, I like a bit of both. It’s nice to know one’s colleagues and have moments to connect during breaks. It’s also nice to have quiet time to focus and get work done. When I was a lab manager, I took care of birthday cakes and farewell parties and enjoyed celebrating milestones with my lab mates. And I also appreciated that those moments were limited in time and scope, so that lab activities didn’t feel socially demanding.

A truly warm culture doesn’t prescribe how to connect, or force friendliness or belonging. It honors the full range of human expression and recognizes that genuine care can look lively or serene, structured or spontaneous.

When warmth is attuned rather than uniform, teams thrive because people feel comfortable being themselves at work, regardless of their personality style.

How is warmth expressed in your workplace?

Leading From Talking vs Leading From Listening

Yesterday I went on a hike with my husband and asked what I should write about today.
“What would be interesting to you about leadership and communication?” I said.
He thought for a moment and replied: “Leading from talking versus leading from listening.”
Ok then. Here is what came up from his idea.

Most leaders have trained themselves to lead through talking - to explain, clarify, persuade, inspire. Talking projects confidence, direction, and expertise.

But there’s another kind of leadership that often goes unseen - leading from listening.

When we lead from talking, our attention is on what we want to express.
When we lead from listening, our attention is on what wants to emerge.

Talking leads from knowing.
Listening leads from learning.

Talking can create alignment around our ideas.
Listening creates alignment around shared understanding.

I didn’t always know how to listen. For years, I was focused on expressing, explaining and well, trying to convince. It wasn’t until I trained in peer counseling in 2008 - and served hundreds of clients through active listening in the decade that followed - that I truly learned what it means to listen with presence. That experience changed everything - so much that it set me on the path to becoming a coach.

In high-stakes environments, where precision matters, many leaders equate explaining with results - yet the best outcomes often arise from the willingness to pause, to attune, to hear what’s emerging from the collective.

Leading from listening doesn’t mean being passive or quiet. It means being attuned enough to know when speaking serves the moment - and when it’s silence that does.

The leaders who master this shift don’t lose authority, they gain influence. Because people feel heard, not managed.

What might change in your leadership if listening became a bigger part of leading?

Why STEM Leaders Need “Human Bandwidth”

“Human bandwidth” is a team’s shared capacity to think with awareness, listen fully, and stay connected under pressure. It’s the mental and emotional signal strength that determines whether your message translates into understanding, alignment, and action.

In fields where communication is the product - like education, design, or marketing - this kind of bandwidth is most likely intentionally cultivated.
But in STEM environments, it’s often overlooked.

As they move up the hierarchy, technical leaders train themselves to optimize systems and deliver results - not to tune the human circuits that make collaboration work.
Yet without enough training in emotional intelligence and communication, even the most brilliant teams hit their limits.

When human bandwidth is high, respect is maintained even under pressure. Ideas move freely and decisions flow because tension is named early and addressed with competence. People feel safe to admit when something isn’t working and trust that it’s possible to return to harmony.

When it’s low, signals get distorted. Stress amplifies reactivity instead of reflection. Projects stall because no one wants to speak up. Even smart, well-intentioned teams start to sound static-filled.

Expanding human bandwidth doesn’t start with new tools or processes.
It starts with awareness and communication skills that restore flow: slowing down to check for shared understanding, inviting feedback, identifying friction early, and regulating one’s own nervous system before reacting.

When leaders build these habits and share them with their team members, the collective signal clears.
People harmonize again. The system regains coherence. The mission continues.

In the end, leadership isn’t just about managing output - it’s about expanding the space where humans can think, relate, and create together.

What’s the current state of your team’s human bandwidth - clear and open, or a little static-filled?

The Power Of The Pause

For many of us, really pausing feels almost impossible because it runs against deeply ingrained strategies for how we move through the world. The Enneagram helps us see why taking a vacation - or even just a solid break - can feel so counterintuitive. For example:

* The Assertive Types (3, 7, 8) push forward. Motion equals power, identity, and security. Stopping can feel like stagnation or even giving up.

* The Compliant Types (1, 2, 6) orient around obligation, service, and loyalty. Taking a break can feel like letting someone down or avoiding responsibility.

* The Competency Types (1, 3, 5) lean on doing things “right,” efficiency and mastery. Pausing interrupts momentum and can feel like laziness or ineptitude.

Each of these strategies resists the pause because stopping threatens something essential: control, approval, or security.

And yet the pause is essential. Without it, there is no digestion of experience, no emotional self-regulation, no integration. We keep running, but we lose the connection to ourselves.

Every type has its own resistance: for some as described above, it’s pausing the addiction to action that is challenging. For others, it’s pausing the obsessive thinking or the repetitive pulling into intense feelings that is most difficult. Which is exactly why pausing is such powerful medicine for everyone.

A pause - whether a deep breath before moving to the next task, a weekend of rest, or a real vacation - is not wasted time. It fertilizes the ground where clarity, creativity, and connection can grow.

I’ll be practicing the pause myself as I take a vacation. What about you? What gets in the way of pausing, and what might become possible if you gave yourself permission to take a break for a little while?

From “It’s Not Possible” To Expanding Possibility.

“It’s not possible.”
“That’s just how it is.”
“There’s nothing we can do.”

These affirmations stifle creativity. They shut the door before options can even be explored.

I’ll admit, this has been a learning edge for me. My default was often to see limitations, even to limit myself,  by believing “that’s just how it is.” But again and again, I’ve been surprised by creative colleagues who found out-of-the-box solutions I couldn’t see at first.

I still remember co-creating a 4-page questionnaire and then being asked to fit it on one page. My immediate response? “It’s not possible.”

A week later, every question was there - reformatted, tightened, double-sided - on a single sheet of paper. All thanks to the creative genius of two teammates. So much for “not possible.”

Sometimes things really are stuck. But what if, instead of closing the door too soon, we stayed open a little bit longer - not only to what might be possible, but to allow colleagues who think differently to offer their unique contributions?

Now imagine instead:

• “Let’s explore what’s possible.”

• “Let’s imagine another way to look at it.”

• “Let’s see what options we might find.”

This simple shift opens the door.
It invites creativity instead of shutting it down.
It signals openness instead of finality.
And it says: we don’t have to have the answer yet,  but we’re willing to look together.

The words we choose matter. They can cut off possibilities, or they can create space for new solutions to emerge. And often, the best answers come from that space.

So, what’s your go-to? Limiting and focusing, or opening and broadening? What are the pros and cons of your way of thinking?

From “My People” To “Our Team”

It’s something you might hear in a meeting:
* “My people will take care of that.”
* “I’ll check with my people.”

Even when it’s not intended, “my people” reflects a sense of ownership, reducing colleagues to resources that belong to the speaker.

Now imagine instead:
* “Our team will take care of that.”
* “I’ll check with our team.”

The difference is subtle, but powerful.
“Our team” emphasizes partnership and belonging.
It signals respect for the people who contribute.
And it shows the leader’s own acceptance of responsibility, because “our” means I’m part of this too.

On Labor Day, we’re reminded that work is never just about tasks, output and stock value. It’s about people - their dignity, their effort, and the relationships that make meaningful work possible.

And as corporate America faces enormous transitions, with AI reshaping jobs and organizations, employees need to feel valued as human beings more than ever. Language is one of the simplest, most powerful ways leaders can provide that sense of value - if they mean it.

The words we choose can reinforce hierarchy, or they can build respect, connection, and shared ownership.

Today - and every day - leaders can choose words that honor the people who make the work, and the success, possible.