When Self-Care Isn’t Enough — Part 1: Has Your Life Become Unsustainable?

What if the way you’re living your life has become unsustainable, and self-care isn’t going to fix it?

In this two-part series, I’m looking at two questions: How do we recognize when the way we’re living has become unsustainable? And what can self-care actually do, and what can’t it do?

When a client comes to coaching on the verge of burnout, I see them belonging to one of these two groups:

1. The client who has too much to carry.

For these very resilient clients, responsibilities have accumulated gradually: young children , increasing leadership responsibilities, a partner who is also stretched thin, and being geographically far from other sources of support.

Nothing individually looks catastrophic. There is simply more and more to carry, and because the accumulation is gradual, these clients adapt. They add the next thing, then the next, then the next.

Until they can’t manage it anymore without some serious symptoms.

The problem with overload is that it rarely arrives as a crisis. It accumulates slowly until the life that once felt demanding becomes unsustainable.

For these people, “just set better boundaries” is an unrealistic recommendation. Sometimes there isn’t much - if anything - that can be taken off the plate.

Which leads me to ask this provocative question:

If you knew that continuing this way could eventually take you out of commission for six months, what would you change now?

To me, that question makes more sense than asking, “How can I squeeze more self-care into my week?”

As people who experienced a real burnout will tell you, they were indeed out for several months.

2. The client who is not willing to stop.

These ambitious people may have more room to make changes, perhaps because they don't have major caregiving responsibilities, or their partner can take on more household management tasks, or they might have more external support.

But these people are caught in a cycle:

One more promotion.
One more achievement.
One more year.

“I’ll leave after I get X.”
“I want to be able to add one whole year to my resume.” 
“My next role will be different.”

They may stay in a toxic environment because the next career milestone feels too important to give up. They might have already sacrificed so much to get to where they are.

Here, the difficult question to ask is:

What are you unwilling to give up, and what is that costing you?

Because in this situation the issue isn’t how much we have to carry, but the beliefs, choices, and priorities that lead to chronic overextension.

What if the problem isn’t that you need more self-care, but that something about the way you’re living needs to fundamentally change?

Upcoming - Part 2: What Can Self-Care Do And Not Do?