Why We Overcompensate (And How to Stop)

We all have moments when we go above and beyond—but not in a healthy way.

Overcompensating often looks productive, helpful, even admirable. But underneath, it’s usually driven by fear of falling short of a deeper need.

I used to over-explain and over-justify—thinking it made me authentic and thorough. But really, I was trying to avoid my fear of being misunderstood, and therefore disconnected from others. I didn’t believe I could be understood by not saying all the details. And I certainly didn’t trust that I could be misunderstood and still be okay.

Overcompensation wears many disguises:

* Talking too much to fill silence
* Retreating into quiet to avoid exposure
* Doubling down on being “right” to stay safe
* Taking on more work to prove worth
* Over-nurturing to show up as loving
* Staying vague or abstract to avoid committing
* Pushing against others to feel strong or protected

These patterns start as strengths—but get distorted when we over-rely on them to feel safe, valued, or in control.

From an Enneagram lens, they can reflect an imbalance in our three centers:

* A mind-dominant person might over-explain instead of trusting.
* A heart-driven person might people-please and lose their own voice.
* A body-dominant person might take quick action before attuning.

The antidote isn’t fixing yourself—there’s nothing to fix. It’s about noticing the moment you disconnect from yourself.

Pause. Breathe. Ask:

* What am I trying to protect, get, or avoid?
* What do I really need instead?

Great relationships with others start with a deep connection to self.

Where do you notice yourself overcompensating?