A Boundary You Don't Enforce Isn't A Boundary (Part 2/3)

In Part 1, we looked at the first step of boundary-setting: Deciding what matters enough to protect. But deciding on a boundary is only the first step. If you want someone to understand what that boundary means in practice, you need to communicate it.

As a reminder, effective boundary-setting has three parts:

* Decide the boundary
* Communicate the boundary
* Enforce the boundary

Part 2: Communicate the boundary

Ideally, you do this proactively rather than waiting until you're frustrated. But sometimes you don't know you need a boundary until someone crosses it, and that's ok too.

However, if you say:

“Please don't yell at me.”

That's a reasonable request, but you're asking the other person to change their behavior and leaving it up to them to do so (or not).

Compare that with:

“I'm not willing to continue the conversation if you're raising your voice. If this continues, I'll pause the discussion and we can come back to it later.”

Now you've communicated what you will do if the boundary is crossed.

That's the key distinction: a request tells someone what you want them to do. A boundary makes clear what you will do if the behavior continues.

Of course, communicating a boundary doesn't mean the other person will want to change their behavior, or will be able to. You can give someone a reminder, or several ones. Changing a behavior isn't easy, and patience can be part of the process.

But if the boundary continues to be crossed, eventually you need to decide whether you're willing to follow through on the consequence you communicated.

That's Part 3.

What boundary do you need to communicate more clearly, including what you will do if it isn't respected?