A Boundary You Don't Enforce Isn't A Boundary (Part 1/3)

The topic of boundaries comes up a lot in my coaching conversations, not just in personal matters but professional ones too.

In my experience, the most difficult part of the boundary process isn't deciding what you want or don't want. It's being willing to enforce the consequence when the boundary isn't respected.

That's why you need to be careful about the boundaries you set. Is it realistic? Is it actually within your control? And, most importantly, are you willing to follow through?

Because if you're not going to enforce it, it's not a boundary. It's a preference.

If you say:

“I don’t want you to text me after 10:00 PM”
or
“I don't want to be spoken to that way”

You have perfectly legitimate preferences.

But unless you're clear about what you will do if they're not respected, they're not boundaries.

Effective boundary-setting has three parts:

* Decide the boundary
* Communicate the boundary
* Enforce the boundary

Part 1: Decide the boundary

What matters to you? What are you willing, and not willing, to accept?

This connects to your values, but also to the context you're in. Different contexts and relationships call for different boundaries.

Maybe you value uninterrupted time to relax when you’re at home. Maybe you value not taking responsibility for tasks that belong to someone else when you’re at work. Maybe you value respectful communication in all contexts.

Get clear about what you're actually protecting and what you will do if the other party doesn’t respect your boundary.

What matters enough to you that you're willing to protect it with a boundary?